Over the last few months, I’ve been struggling again with imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is something I’ve felt my whole life whether it was academically, socially, or professionally. While changing careers has definitely drawn me away from that feeling, the feeling has crept back after all the uncertainty that 2020 has brought to the table. Going to culinary school and the year after has been a great experience, but I guess you can’t always completely escape from your own inner demons.
I grew up in a high achievement household where there was a huge emphasis on getting good grades and test scores. Good grades=good college. Good college=high paying job. High paying job=marrying a girl from a good family. Marrying a girl from a good family=having a good family. Having a good family=respect from others. Respect of others=happiness. Even when I was doing well in school, I never quite felt that I was smart enough since most of my friends grew up in similar families and nearly all of my friends ended up going to better colleges. Today, many of my friends are doctors, lawyers, and business professionals. I once attended a nerd camp (Center for Talented Youth) from the summer after 7th grade to the summer after 10th grade. One of the requirements was taking a standardized test (SAT), which is typically given to high school students before applying to colleges. My score in the 7th grade barely passed the required threshold and when I actually attended the camp, I quickly realized what it felt like to feel like the dumbest kid in the room.
Even though I got to a good college, I’m sure it wasn’t quite what my parents were expecting when I was younger. There were still a lot of smart students at BU, and it was much tougher for me to keep my grades up, especially in liberal arts classes that I had no interest in or in classes that placed a lot of emphasis on class participation (an introvert’s nightmare). After graduating, I began working in advertising agencies and still felt out of place at times. The imposter syndrome kicked back in when I had a larger client-facing role, and there was always the fear of being called out for mistakes in analysis or recommendations. After leaving advertising, culinary school was a nice break. I was surrounded by passionate students that shared my interests and most of us were learning the ropes together. I ended up graduating with the highest GPA in my start date, but it always felt pretty hollow when I compare myself to the best cooks in the industry. There are so many cooks that could run circles around me with their speed, palate, experience, etc. Now after not working for the last few months, R&D in the kitchen has been more stressful because of the pressure Weny and I place on ourselves. In order to stand out, we are really trying to find ways to execute our dishes with our version of the perfect taste, texture, and appearance. Sometimes confronting failures in the kitchen is a challenge and it’s something that we’re learning to deal with together.
Mental health is something that was always somewhat taboo in Asian culture, but it’s nice to see that it has become more mainstream today. I typically link imposter syndrome with my racial identity, anxiety, self-esteem, perfectionism, and family expectations. Once in a while when dealing with my insecurities, I’ve learned that you have to frame your situation differently and in a more positive or constructive manner. I don’t think I’ll ever really get over all my self-doubt, but hopefully, I can at least get it to a place where it pushes me to be a better chef and a better partner. Let us know if you ever suffered from imposter syndrome and what you do to help yourself overcome it.
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